I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself, "I wish I
could have all the mystery and allure of a Scotsman, but I'm just not
Scottish. What can I do?" Well, this is your lucky day! Right here on
this page is all the training you'll need to become 100% Scotch.
That's right! You might not be Scottish, but anyone can be Scotch.
This is the Mona Lisa
after only three visits
to this page.
Follow these simple steps to Scotchdom
Buy up as much plaid clothing as possible. Plaid pants or
kilt skirts are perfect.
If you don't own either a scottie dog or a Westhighland
terrier get one. If you have one make it wear those little plaid
sweaters, preferably the same plaid that you're wearing.
Get three or four bumper stickers with phrases on them like:
Up yer Kilt, Honk if you're Scottish, or I brake
for bagpipes. Even better, if you can find one, are the little
silver medallions with a thistle on them.
Check your local paper, and attend every Scottish festival,
highland gathering, and bagpipe competition within a 200 mile
radius.
Say things like: "Aye, lad/lass" or "Hoot man!" And substitute
"wee" for little, small, etc.
Pretend to get misty-eyed when you hear bagpipes, "Auld Lang
Syne," or any poem by Robert Burns (pronounced Robbie Bairns).
After you have completed all of these steps there is only one
remaining task: find and kill a haggis. Once you have accomplished all
this, send me a picture of you enjoying your haggis and I will send
you your Certificate of Scotchdom.
Good luck and happy haggising. -Andy
P.S. One last little thing:
The word is "Scottish" not "Scotch"!! Scotch is a drink not a nationality.
